We finished our time in Indiana today, Finn absorbing so much activity and staying calm. I spoke for two chapels and drew questions in two classrooms. Finn stuck with Mom through all of this, though Mom got a little Finnundated in moments and passed Finn-the-Football to me.
Then our time was done. We packed and rolled to the airport. The lines were long and our flight was cancelled. The attendant rerouted us to arrive home after 11pm tomorrow (Saturday) night.
And I speak again in Vail on Sunday.
Oh boy.
For a respite, we found a comfortably historic hotel in downtown Louisville. This was the first hotel, of the ten I called, that even had a room. When we checked in, we were given the club level with a free breakfast in the morning. Thirteen floors above the street, I can still hear people shouting from below.
People shouting. That’s another thing I’ve learned during this first year as a dad. And the shouting is a metaphor. I’ve immersed into parenting and discovered, just in like in religion, cults form around the edges and sometimes creep into the center. I’ve found that many let you be the kind of parent you believe you should be. Still many more believe there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. In gender research, we know stereotypes abound that disallow individuals from being free. Parenting is no different. People will tell you what you should do and how. They will point out books and manuals. They will even mail them to you. Some are decent. Some are not so much. Some will give you a shift in their eyes when you tell them how you’re helping your son fall asleep. And they, while speaking softly, will volunteer their methods as the tried-and-true (by the way, we’ve tried all the suggestions and none of them work for helping Finn sleep… I’m of the “customize to your own baby” philosophy).
What is more (are you ready for this?), people will also you how you should feel and how you are going to feel. Yep. They do. It comes in forms of “Just wait till you…” Or, “Right now you think this, but one day…” As Mom says, some people want to script your life for you. They want their experience to be your experience. Or they want to read you the last page of the novel as you’re starting the first page. It splashes forth as patronizing. Yeah, patronizing. An assumed superior position bestowing its bounties on the lowly. ”I’ve read the book, so let me tell you how it ends!” Some people cannot help it for they are blind to their insecurity. Others can and live with that large wart of pride that we cannot take our eyes off of.
Now, from the insecure, I take the gesture as a generosity. People want to share their life and hope yours is as good as theirs. When we work toward love, even in awkward and unpolished ways, we want good for others. What could be a horrible revelation to some of these voluntary sharers, is that you may find their life less good than the one you’re seeking. Yeah, that’d be a horrible thing to say. But isn’t it often true? The problem is not the more or the less. The problem is that people want to transcribe their life onto you. And whether they have more or less, living on a higher or lower plane, this simple revelation must be told: every life is different and must be lived according to that person’s design and wisdom. You have your life. I have mine. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
That’s prof0und when you think on it. When we can each live our own lives before God, we may discover missing colors shadowed by parenting cults of conformity. We may discover nuances to love and a certain understanding of the precious life heaven has bestowed upon us that would be missed if we followed the manuals. We may end up overlooking our child in the name of parenting and so become poor parents while patting our own backs that we are good parents.
That’s a sad lot. And before any parents try to defend themselves, let me add that the only real critics are not ourselves. It is our children.
I want to see children leave their comments in 30 years, sharing their praise and sadness in the parenting their received. Thirty years is enough time: that’s when the issues come out.
This is something I’ve learned as a first year dad. And, as a dad, I’m on the sidelines of these issues mostly of the time. Mom’s are the ones in the throes of those battles. Yet, maybe we need more dad voices to calm the storm, to help point out that the cult-like activity-directors that, well, they are not in charge.
Being a first year dad, didn’t teach me how to rant. But it did teach me how to rant about THIS. And I do this in the love and protection of Finn.
[/rant over] 
Dad
I read your post this morning and after mulling it over a bit thought I’d share a slightly different take on this.
It seems that we could distinguish offering advice and offering advice in a patronizing way. I think it would be a sad thing if people stopped offering advice altogether, I know getting such advice from friends has made our lives much easier. For example, a colleague once recommended Sleeping Through the Night to us and within a week or so Alexander was doing just that. If he hadn’t recommended the book there’s no telling how long we would’ve remained sleep deprived. We’ve since recommended it my sister-in-law and she reported back that her whole marriage is now better since both parents are regularly getting appropriate amounts of sleep. My colleague could have suggested the book in a way that came off as patronizing, but he didn’t. We could have been patronizing to my sister-in-law, but we tried to not be.
I think there’s a close parallel to how we share the gospel. Some non-Christians complain that they don’t like being patronized by those witnessing to them and unfortunately some of those complaints are well justified. But that doesn’t mean we stop sharing the gospel, instead we pay closer attention to how we share the gospel.
Paul, I fully agree. Apparently my post wasn’t clear. I wasn’t referring to advice but rather that attitude that someone knows how you should run your life, feelings you should feel, events you are sure to interpret THEIR way. Advice is great when handled with humility and love.
We recommend the books we’ve found helpful many times. Usually with the caveat, “This book or idea was helpful, but may but work for you….”.
To simply be silent is not living in community. To expect others to think, feel and act as we do is equally not living in community.
I hope this exchange of comments helps readers see what I am not saying as much as what I am saying. I hope that’s clearer.
I really don’t think the people doing this always recognize that they have gone beyond the giving helpful advise. I myself have had to catch myself, as someone who is eager to share my experiences raising our children with other parents, to not cross that line. That is the parallel, as Christians, we are eager to share the great joy of our lives in Christ and that eagerness is often mistaken as “patronizing”. Reality, in raising 5 children (from 22 -2 right now), each child is different and each stage in their lives has brought their own challenges and have required knowing them to find the best paths. Our Christian lives are similar in that God created each of us uniquely with our own personal relationship with him. Remember in your eagerness to share that this is all you can really share. Do you know the person you are sharing with in the same way God knows them?
Alice, you know, sometimes it’s not about the content but the way. When I meet people who are *aware* people, I like hearing from them. When *unaware* people start giving me advice, I take it with a grain of salt. People will often choose the side of the popular because they haven’t grown in *awareness* nor developed a sense of self enough to have their own points of view. I do notice a trend that those who often dish the most advice are also giving the same cliches and lines I so often hear. That’s gotta make us wonder… why motivated to repeat the popular rather than repeat their true experience.
There’s much to unpack in that.
You have quite a s p r e a d of ages in your children. My! Lots of experience there! But you know, you just wait till your kids are 30! j/k j/k j/k
Actually, most of the kids are close in age. I have a 22 year old and 3 that are 21 (all girls) and then our little, “oh, my, I thought we were done” little man Fionn who is 2. Becoming a mom at this age again was not part of my life plan.
To be share our truths leaves us often feeling vulnerable. Say, I open up to you a truth that you don’t agree with, can I handle your critique? If I share only the popular, if you critique it, it’s not me and you are the one going against the grain.
Sharing our true stories in coming to Christ and what it has meant in our lives, well, my experience is not like some of those that could write a book. It is real and precious to me but what if someone laughed at my story. Am I strong enough to be okay with my story still?
Lack of true self-confidence leads us to using the “popular vs real”. Funny thing is often it is those whom would appear to have tons of self-confidence who just find themselves so unable to open their true selves to others.
Alice, I like your observations.
It can be so frustrating too when your child doesn’t “conform” to the proffered tried and true method. It can make u feel like a failure when sometimes a square just won’t fit in a round hole.
I love the terminology of customize to your baby. Aren’t we all so different?!
I’ve found that I have a hard time avoiding a confrontational response to people who boldly say their way is right, or speak down to me as I have no clue what I’m doing since this is my first baby. So I end up silently nodding since I don’t like confrontation. Not necessarily healthy. Typically it just puts me in a place where people continue to ‘tell me what to do’ which makes me bitter.
I could write something on FB like, “Haven cried for 4 hours this morn” and I would get 30 comments telling me why she was probably crying. :b I just never remembered asking people if they knew why she was crying or if they knew what I should do. I feel like a good response to that would be, “I’m so sorry” or “I went through mornings like that”… B/c mostly I would write it on FB so that I could have some adult correspondence, not to be told what I was doing wrong. :b
I am guilty of it sadly, but TRY TRY TRY to remember to tell people, “every parent/child is different but this is what worked for us (or one of the families I nannied for)” or start my sentences with, “you probably have already seen/heard/thought about this, but…”
We also got a lot of “just wait till’s..” when I was pregnant and would share some exciting new thing that happened. Though most was well meaning and rejoicing with us, it always made me want to say, “Can’t I just enjoy THIS minute?”
The mommy world can be brutal.
Melissa, if we lived closer, we’d bring you a bottle of wine and hang out for good adult conversation. :cheers:
My favorite “just wait” comment is when things aren’t going the best for whatever reason…”one day you will miss this.” I seriously doubt I will miss cleaning up throw up and no sleep delirium. Sure I’ll miss many things about each phase and do already, but do I really have to look on the bright side of the awful parenting moments:) I am pretty sure it is ok to be glad we have moved on!!!
Oh, boy, now I have something else to look forward to! LOL
It is funny you hear “just wait” from some and “enjoy this time” from others. Well, which is it? Live in the moment or anticipate the next one? I think some of these folks read the last page of novels before they start the book. Some people hate surprises and discovery.
I cannot relate to those people. hehe.
I have been very encouraging lately, huh!!! LOL. I cannot relate either! I love the new surprises and phases, it makes this adventure called life so much better:)